It Ends With You

Even though you didn't start it

Looking back

The cycle of trauma continues until someone decides "it ends here”.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably the one who decided this in your family.

There’s an old adage that says, “don’t look back you aren’t going that way”.

I don’t entirely agree. I would reframe that to “look back to find your way”.

I find it beneficial to reflect on my journey because it helps me understand who I am today. Everything that has happened to me, and to those in my family, makes me who I am. It’s the story of how I got here and gives me insight on how to move forward.

That being said, it doesn’t mean you have to constantly ruminate on the past. Once it’s been fully addressed, you can live more easily in the present. However, in my experience there are layers to healing. So, just because something has been addressed once doesn’t mean it’s healed forever. It may take time to rebuild a healthy relationship to that part of yourself again. Life gets easier once you’ve shone a light on it. Have compassion for yourself as you move through things.

It’s easy to get stuck in the maze of your past because you can be submerged in it so long it becomes your norm. It becomes the prison you live from, if you let it.

I’ll share a story to illustrate.

Each day I used to come home from work the first thing mum asked me was, “how was your day?”. But she asked me whilst she was busy cooking or cleaning. Her back was always facing me. Even though she didn’t notice it at the time, there was a growing frustration inside of me. What I craved so deeply was for her to turn around, give me eye contact, and ask like she really meant it. A few minutes of her being totally present with me would have made me feel loved.

After some reflection I decided to bring this to her attention. During the conversation she shared the story of her upbringing. Because her father was violent and her mother had mental health issues due to domestic abuse, she had to multitask to get things done. Going to school, cooking, cleaning, and working happened all at the same time. There was no room for pause or healthy conversation in her house.

I realised I’d put an unfair expectation on her to do something she had no idea how to do. Multitasking and keeping busy was her norm. But now that we’d shone a light on it, the pattern could break.

I shared this story with another friend who had a daughter. Years later she thanked me because she hadn’t realised she was doing the same thing to her. They addressed it and have a much deeper bond now.

Your story matters and can help others heal. Explore it, heal it, share it.

Your past is inside you

That child inside of you that experienced everything is still within you even though you have a bigger body now. Disregarding or suppressing a part of you will never lead to 100% authenticity. There’ll always be a part of you that doesn’t feel aligned. If you leave any part of your emotions unexpressed well, the OG says it best:

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” - Sigmund Freud

Alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, gambling, food  – these are all popular and addictive things we overindulge in to suppress emotions we don’t want to feel. They become coping mechanisms in response to the trauma we experienced.

Unfortunately, most of us learned our unhealthy patterns of behaviour from parents and other authoritative figures we had growing up.

We were new to the world. As kids we soaked in everything. We were learning what it meant to live. Our empty mind started filling up with all the experiences we accumulate over those early years. It then becomes part of the blueprint of how we live our life - unless we consciously choose to change it.

The thing is, because those behaviours seem natural to us we may not consider them unhealthy. So we mostly go about our lives thinking the way to live is the way we were taught. But what if those you learnt from never took the time to reflect and ask, is this actually serving me? If they didn’t. the cycle of abusive behaviour continues.

Let me share a couple stories.

I was 5 years old. I was left all alone in the darkness of the garden at night time. The backdoor was locked. Terror filled my body as I cried to be taken back into the warmth and safety of the house. I felt extremely unsafe. I was purposely being taught a lesson for something I’d done wrong. I was also hit as a child for not behaving. I remember peeing myself at times - a biological response that can occur in high stress situations.

Unfortunately, these behaviours were normal because my dad was violently handled when he was a child. It’s the way he learnt to discipline. Although I’m not a parent, I don’t feel fear is the best way to teach anyone anything.

Fast forward a few years…

When I was around 11 years old I was sexually abused by someone I trusted and looked up to. I was subsequently addicted to pornography for a while and found future sexual interactions somewhat uncomfortable. I didn’t understand why until I began exploring the impact of what had happened to me in those earlier years.

Side note: In 2019 I shared this particular story with a friend who I could tell was struggling to talk about things. Intuitively, I felt he needed to hear this story so I told him. He immediately sat up in his chair and said “that happened to me when I was 14”. I could feel his shame beginning to lift as he finally had an opportunity to talk about the very thing that was weighing on him.

Once I’d given voice to these things (because the emotions inside of you are craving to have a voice) and forgiven myself and the person involved, I was free to start healing.

As I began to lean into my story, I understood that everyone is living from their level of awareness. I began to feel less anger and blame towards those who did me wrong, and more compassion. I understood they’re acting out what they think is normal based on their own conditioning - we all are.

A pattern cannot be broken until you give a voice to it. The healing can then begin and you can change your behaviour for the better.

We must all take responsibility for our emotions and choose to live a more intentional life so that we do not unintentionally harm ourselves and those around us.

Understandably, many of us feel we can resolve our negative feelings by consuming more positive content, especially because the idea of therapy is stigmatised. It’s a form of bypassing what really needs to be resolved because we’re afraid to come face to face with our emotions.

Accepting not escaping

“I feel very strongly that I am under the influence of things or questions which were left incomplete and unanswered by my parents and grandparents and more distant ancestors. It often seems as if there were an impersonal karma within a family, which is passed on from parents to children. It has always seemed to me that I had to… complete, or perhaps continue, things which previous ages had left unfinished.” - Carl Jung in Memories, Dreams, Reflections.

Stigma around mental health and therapy is improving but I do feel there is room for improvement amongst ethnic people. It’s still taboo to admit you need help.

When you have a physical ailment, like a broken leg, you get the help you need. You see a doctor. You go to the hospital. There’s no judgment.

When you have an internal ailment, in the form of emotional trauma, that also needs healing. We should be able to openly see someone about it without judgment.

Bottling it up will probably mean you’ll end up drinking from a bottle or taking pills from one. Or worse yet, you may contemplate suicide. You’ll unintentionally live a life where you bleed on people who did not cut you.

It’s great that there is so much positive content that is easily accessible to us now, but positivity cannot bloom if your soul is not fertile for it. At some point you have to clean out your soul to make room for new fresh energy. It can be deep, dark, and scary. Most people don’t want to hear that because it’s uncomfortable.

These days we can easily hide behind books, webinars, YouTube videos, blogs and seminars. It gives us the comfort of having distance from actually doing the work. These can all be ways to bypass the very thing that needs addressing. We trick ourselves into thinking we’re making progress by engaging in all these things.

We all need a safe space to voice the very things we’ve been wanting to say out loud but haven’t been able to. Whether you decide to work with me, share with a close friend or someone else, please get the help you need. It is incredible medicine to have someone acknowledge your story and help you through it. You can also find a list of local helplines here.

Question: is there any aspect of your story you’re still rejecting?

By having the courage to fully accept every aspect of your story it will no longer have power over you. I’m reminded of the epic scene at the end of 8 Mile when Eminem shares everything openly about himself and leaves the other rapper speechless. You can watch it here.

A brighter future

“What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfilment of that which is potential within us. Questing for it is not an ego trip, it is an adventure to bring into fulfilment your gift to the world, which is yourself” - Joseph Campbell, Pathways to Bliss

If we all take responsibility for our own healing we can create a more compassionate, loving and connected world. One in which we’re all living in alignment with who we truly are. A world where conflict can be resolved peacefully. A world where we all share our gifts and serve the world in our own way.

Life doesn’t have to be dark, gritty and uncomfortable. It doesn’t need to be all about the pain of the past. It can be easy and fun. But it’s insane to disregard your story. You cannot distract yourself with new goals and dreams, and expect positive affirmations to fix everything. Your emotional landscape must be tended to somewhere along the way. Otherwise, you’ll be forever running from yourself.

“I can do nothing for you but work on myself. You can do nothing for me but work on yourself” – Ram Dass

Imagine for a moment how many ancestors have come before you. All the stories that happened to them. All of that is carried within you. It is your story and it must be honoured. But it does not have to be repeated. It can end with you.

If we accept what has happened we have the ability to change our reality. To create a reality that is full of ease, grace, joy, wonder, creativity, laughter and expansion.

Although you’re part of a story that began unfolding long before you, this chapter can end with you.

1 thing I’m loving right now

Since I’ve been writing more recently I’ve been listening to my Creative Love playlist on Spotify again. I’ve been compiling it over the last few years ever since I started writing my spiritual poetry book Searching in Silence. It’s a list of over 5 hours of my favourite instrumentals that help me get into a creative writing and reflection zone. It’s beautiful for long walks, journalling or sitting in silence. Feel free to listen :)

One love,

V

Want to work with me?

If you’re craving a safe space to explore your identity more deeply then find out more about working privately with me here

I regularly share short solo episodes and longer guest conversations on my podcast Soul Wisdom Stories. You can listen here