Pressure. Money. Sex.
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Pressure.
It doesn’t always make diamonds.
Sometimes it makes really heavy ugly stones.
I’ve been thinking about my relationship to pressure this week and wanted to share some thoughts…
I reflected back to a moment when I was 14.
It was coming to the end of the summer holidays in 2006.
I was in the kitchen one evening and all of a sudden I felt immense pressure flooding my body.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was growing up.
My stomach tightened.
I was about to start Year 10 which meant exams, exams, and more exams.
These exams would dictate the rest of my life, I thought.
GCSE’s. A Levels. University. Job. Bills.
Not many summer holidays left, I thought.
How will I handle it all?
Will I be successful?
What if I fail?
I’ll disappoint myself and my parents.
Damn.
I better not f*ck this up.
My mind started spinning and I felt anxiety coming in avalanches.
It felt like somehow in that moment my childhood had come to an abrupt end.
I was moving into this new chapter that would dictate the rest of my life.
I was scared.
Money.
I noticed this narrative of not f*cking up came up again recently in relation to earning big money.
Although my self confidence has grown a lot, I still doubt myself at times and play it safe to avoid any chance of f*cking up so that people can like me. And probably so that I can continue to prove to myself I am great, but within a small arena.
If the arena is small I can handle it.
But what if I can’t get results in a big arena?
A part of me wants to avoid the risk of shame if I fail. To avoid the dreadful confirmation that I am not good enough.
I realised when asking for big sums of money it somehow feels like higher stakes. Like I have to try harder or be someone or something else to earn more. That I can’t simply ask for large sums now because who I am currently is not good enough. Always feeling like I haven’t quite arrived.
I also realise that receiving big sums of money isn’t normal based on my upbringing. It wasn’t part of my reality. Yes, I had enough to be comfortable to survive because I always had enough for food, shelter, clothing, and a few extras.
But I don’t just want to survive, I want to thrive.
I want to enjoy all the fruits that are available in this human reality.
I want to have it all.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience. There shouldn’t be any guilt for wanting to have everything possible whilst being alive.
For me being spiritually abundant means being abundant in peace and your connection to the divine, but also in healthy soulful relationships, health, and money.
The narrative I was used to was its always someone else, somewhere else, doing something else, that would earn big money, not me.
I’ve noticed recently that I feel like I have to do something over and above what I’m already doing to earn the right to ask for more.
The truth is, I don’t.
Who I already am is enough.
Being me is the gift.
I am the asset.
I am worth it.
I can do it.
Sex.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my experience with sexual abuse and I’m slowly beginning to connect the dots around how this plays into my relationship to pressure.
The pressure was around conforming to be liked. Doing what I was told to do so I could be accepted. Learning to fit in and not cause a scene. Going along with what I felt was always right for everyone else, even if it crossed my boundaries.
Sexual performance in the bedroom is a big unspoken and unseen pressure for many men. I’ve historically felt like I’ve had to be 100% on point all the time, which is simply not realistic.
We’re not robots, we’re human.
To fluctuate is to be human.
There are so many factors that can cause daily fluctuations in performance like nutrition, work stress, lack of connection to your partner etc.
I realised I would avoid being too intimate with someone because I didn’t want to feel the pressure of needing to be perfect, whatever that means.
I didn’t want to risk feeling shame if they ever found out I wasn’t good enough.
Over time I became disconnected from myself and from my partners at the time.
Deep down my internal dialogue was:
“What if they find out I’m not as good as my previous performance?”
“What if I’m not as good as they think I am?”
“What if i’m not as good as I think I am?”
These thought patterns create immense pressure to be a certain way all the time.
I’m learning to let it all go and embrace all the fluctuations.
I’m healing my body on deeper levels and letting go of the tension in my body.
The more I let go and connect to my breath in a deeper and healthier way, the more I am more confident inside and outside of the bedroom.
Possibilities.
As I let go of the unhealthy pressure that has plagued my life and learn to come back to the wholeness of who I am, I feel the possibilities of what I am capable of are endless.
This is why its important to take the time to unravel your past and understand how it makes you who you are today.
Let go of any unhealthy pressure and know that it’s ok for you to fluctuate through life.
You don’t need to be perfect.
Embrace who you are as you are each step of the way.
Journal Prompts
When in your life have you felt pressure?
How did you handle it?
What would happen if you let it go?
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V