Tender Heart & Slow Start

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A song I’m resonating with right now:

Tender Heart & Slow Start

“No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you.” - Carl Jung

My friend Sham recently asked me “How is your heart right now?”

I replied “Tender”

It’s been a slow start to the year for me and I’ve been reflecting on all that I’m feeling.

There’s a bunch of things on my tender heart right now:

1. My heart is hungover from 2023. It was really put through an assault course last year. To be honest it has felt beaten up and bruised for many years. I’m learning how to hold it more softly and treat it with gentleness. I’m learning to be courageous and keep it open so love can continue to find it, instead of protecting it and keeping it in the shadows hidden from the world.

2. I’m trusting the flow of my own river. January in London feels like the depth of winter. I’m honouring the natural cycles of nature and allowing my energy and the course of my life to follow that instead of buying into the hype of the new year to take action and get stuff done. I am still in hibernation, slowly waking up. I’m embracing sloth energy—patient, grounded, intentional, and gentle. Animal spirits speak to me at different times depending on where I am on my journey. It’s important to honour them when they come through because they all have something to teach.

3. My body has felt slow, dry, and restless. Some days I sleep 5 hours, others 11 hours. Some days I nap during the day, others I don’t. I’m learning to honouring it all without judging myself for not sticking to a strict routine. My body is changing. For so long I was focused on having it look and feel in peak condition 365 days a year. I left no room for fluctuation and tenderness—so unnecessarily harsh and not human. I’ve let all that go and I’m learning to love myself more deeply through all its changes. The body teaches me and I follow its wisdom. I don’t try to impose what I think will be good for it, but rather listen to what it needs.

4. I’ve felt triggered with my body during the cold weather because I’ve had some flareups on my skin of dryness and redness. It reminds me of a time when things were really bad around 2012 when I had eczema and hives all over and couldn't turn my neck without tearing my skin (which lasted a number of years). My body has been through so much trauma. When flareups happen I feel scared that I’ll go right back to that time when I felt low and wanted to escape my body.

5. I’m enjoying sleeping with thick socks on and a hot water bottle at night. In the morning I’m enjoying wrapping myself in a throw on the sofa and drinking herbal tea in silence and feeling the presence of my heartbeat. Simple. Peaceful.

6. I find myself spending time sitting in silence doing nothing, simply being with me. I think it’s because I’ve been surrounded by people my whole life. Family, friends, colleagues, girlfriends etc, I’ve always tried to fill my life and keep it busy not realising it was a response to not wanting to feel lonely. The truth is, a part of me has always felt lonely even with others present. I recognise now that another soul can’t fill that gap, only I can.

7. I notice my shoulders tighten and raise up a lot throughout the day. I have to consciously exhale and drop them down. My body is recovering from trauma and it’s been coping with a lot of tension. The body shows signs of trauma in very obvious and very subtle ways. I’m beginning to pay more attention and unlearn old patterns.

8. Those who claim to be spiritual show their true colours when life doesn’t go their way. When a difficult situation is presented you will see how much integrity they have. You will see how much integrity you have. Their faith and level of self-awareness will be tested. When you’re faced with a difficult situation it will reveal how much work you’ve really done. You’ll either have a knee-jerk reaction or a conscious intentional response rooted in love.

9. When you’re having a disagreement with your partner don’t resort to name-calling and criticising. Try to remain in a space of love as much as you can. Don’t let your ego get the best of you by trying to look more powerful and in control. There is no need to raise voices and talk over one another. It’s not about winning. If you both love one another let love carry you through the disagreement with respect, kindness, and humility.

10. Being the black sheep of my family is exhausting. Carrying the burden of generations is exhausting. This year instead of wearing pain as a medal of honour I put it down and have stopped trying to save others. It is not my job to be the hero all the time. Being the crutch is a disservice to the other person because it enables them to continue their cycles of behaviour.

11. A few months ago I moved into a new apartment and I’ve felt drawn to being deeply rooted here for now. Being rooted in one place that I could call home and feel safe in was something my soul was craving for a long while. Right now I don’t want to travel or go anywhere really, I’m happy just being a homebody.

12. Finding consistency in daily mundane actions makes me feel safe. It’s something I can trust and control. I’ve felt so out of control in my life that doing these things makes me feel at ease. Washing dishes and emptying the dishwasher, laundry, hoovering, stretching, journalling, pulling oracle cards, and taking a hot shower twice a day. All of these things have become part of my sadhana (Sanskrit term for spiritual practise). I’m learning that sadhana is not just about doing yoga poses, breathing techniques, and chanting (although these are brilliant when infused with intention). It is being wholly and completely present with, and finding peace in, whatever action you are engaged in.

13. I can feel the medicine calling again. I trust that if I am meant to be in a ceremonial environment this year I will be. Medicine can work without a formal ceremonial environment too. It is always doing its work in subtle and miraculous ways. In that way all of life becomes ceremony. However, being in a formal ceremonial space can be like a spiritual booster shot that provides a jolt of clarity—a space to lean in to and peel back more layers to unveil blindspots. If you’re interested in reading more about my relationship to plant medicines you can read that here.