Ask about the dead

Acknowledging their dead person

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When someone we know has lost a loved one, we often get weird and uncomfortable about it.

I think, deep down, it’s because most of us are uncomfortable with death. We’re not taught how to navigate this emotionally challenging conversation. Tiptoeing around the situation only makes it worse, because you both feel the elephant in the room that no one is addressing.

I get it—grieving is not easy.

We all deal with it differently.

There’s no “right” way to process it. There’s also no timeline for when you’re supposed to “get over it.”

Grief ebbs and flows.

Some days, you might feel like you’re integrating it into your life. Other days, you’re happy to be distracted from the pain. And then there are days when you’re a complete wreck, overwhelmed by the weight of it all.

I wrote about the gift of grief many months ago after I experienced the loss of a dear friend and brother. I even delivered a workshop on the wisdom I gained—something I never expected to talk about. Losing someone gives you a profound front row seat to the depth of the human experience.

But today, I want to talk about a different dimension of this conversation:

Ask about their dead person.

A few months ago, it was the anniversary of my friend’s brother’s death. I reached out to her.

“I know it’s your brother’s death anniversary in a couple of days,” I said. “If you feel open to it, I’d love for you to send me a voice message sharing a special memory you have of him.”

She told me she really appreciated the reminder and that it gave her the nudge not to avoid thinking about him. As part of her response she shared a beautiful, emotional song his best friend had recorded in his honor—a song I never would have otherwise discovered.

We often avoid bringing up conversations about loss for fear of upsetting the person. But really, it’s our own discomfort with death that we haven’t faced.

Anything that makes us uncomfortable is a reflection of something unresolved within ourselves. If you’ve made peace with a topic, your words will carry a comforting energy. That energy creates safety for the other person and gives them permission to soften and open up a little more about it too.

This isn’t about forcing someone to talk about their loss if they don’t want to. It’s about acknowledging the absence of their loved one—which then brings that person’s presence into the moment.

It’s also a beautiful way to deepen your relationship with the person who is experiencing the loss. You bond on a deeper, more emotional level.

Not asking because of your own discomfort is selfish. You rob them of the opportunity to share. The situation is not about you. Give them the beautiful opportunity to bring their person back to life, even for just a moment.

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“V's work is truly life-changing. His wisdom and insights are unmatched, and his ability to share fresh, refreshing perspectives has deeply impacted me. Personally, he has helped me grow so much in my relationship, offering clarity and tools that have strengthened my connection and understanding. I am endlessly grateful for his guidance and highly recommend him to anyone seeking personal growth or a new way of looking at life.” - Kaitlyn Kaerhart

With love,

V