Is conflict in a relationship a red flag?
How to know when to stay or go
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Is conflict a red flag?
A sign of a healthy relationship isn’t that there are no disagreements.
It’s about how you resolve them.
Your capacity to resolve conflict will tell you everything about whether you’re both capable of navigating life together because life will inevitably put you in contrasting situations. These situations are an opportunity to help you understand yourself more deeply. They give you a window into your psyche.
Conflict isn’t the problem.
Avoidance is.
Our lack of ability to move through conflict in a healthy way is.
People often think a healthy relationship is one where there’s no fighting.
No tension.
No discomfort.
No rupture.
But the truth is: a healthy relationship isn’t free from conflict, it’s built on how you move through it.
In my experience a relationship will challenge you.
Love will reveal your sharp edges and your softest wounds.
And if you’re truly intimate with someone, the parts of you that haven’t yet healed will surface.
These moments aren’t necessarily signs that something’s wrong.
They’re invitations to grow, to listen, to see each other and yourself more clearly.
We Were Never Taught How to Do This
Most of us were never taught how to handle conflict.
We weren’t shown what it looks like to disagree with care.
To express frustration without shaming.
To hold space for rupture and then repair.
Instead, we absorbed models of either explosion or avoidance - screaming matches that left us feeling unsafe, or silent treatments that buried everything alive.
So when tension shows up in our own relationships, it often feels like a threat. We fight to be heard, or freeze to protect ourselves. We collapse into shame, or lash out in blame. And because we lack the tools, we assume conflict means something is broken.
That love has failed.
That we have.
But what if conflict isn’t the enemy?
What if it’s part of the journey?
Inanna and the Fear of Annihilation
In the ancient Sumerian myth, the goddess Inanna descends into the underworld — layer by layer — removing a piece of her identity at each gate. Her jewels, her robes, her crown. Everything that once signified her power.
She descends all the way to the bottom and dies.
It’s a symbolic death. An ego death. A full annihilation of who she thought she was.
And then… after a period of stillness, she returns.
Changed.
Reborn.
Reclaimed.
This myth mirrors what happens inside of us when we’re in deep relationship.
When we love fully, we open ourselves to the risk of being undone.
Of being seen.
Of being changed.
Conflict can feel like annihilation not because the other person is hurting us, but because it threatens the fragile identity we’ve spent our whole lives constructing:
The one that must be right.
The one that must be safe.
The one that must be loved at all costs.
But if we trust the descent if we let ourselves feel without abandoning or attacking we emerge transformed.
This is the real work of relationship: not staying untouched, but being touched so deeply that you grow beyond who you used to be.
Relationships Are Mirrors
A relationship is one of the most powerful spaces for transformation.
You can do all the self-work you want on your own and that work matters. But another stage of growth often begins when you're close enough to be really seen by another.
Because that’s when the hidden parts rise. The parts of us we’ve tried so hard ot keep hidden from the world because we feel if people really knew what we were like we wouldn’t be accepted.
Being in relationship shines a light on these places not to shame you, but to show you where love wants to arise. Where you can still polish the mirror, as Ram Dass used to say.
Am I with the right person?
A few questions to ask yourself:
Am I with someone who’s on my side, even when we’re at odds?
Are they open to understanding, or only defending?
Do they take responsibility for their impact?
Do I?
What is this conflict revealing about me?
What are we being invited to learn about each other?
Can we move through this without abandoning ourselves or each other?
When It’s Time to Let Go
Not all relationships are meant to last.
Not because there was conflict but because there was no shared commitment to growth, to truth, to mutual repair. To vulnerable communication.
Some signs it might be time to step away:
Your values no longer align (or maybe never did)
Your vision for life is no longer shared
You consistently feel unsafe or unseen
You’re emotionally depleted more often than nourished
You’re always the one apologising just to keep the peace
Love shouldn’t feel like you’re shrinking to stay.
The Gift of the Descent
Conflict isn’t the enemy. It’s a teacher. And love isn’t about staying comfortable it’s about staying present. The descent into discomfort like Inanna’s descent can feel like death.
But it’s also the birthplace of something more authentic.
Something freer.
Something that was buried beneath layers of self-protection, now ready to rise.
A healthy relationship is one where you can face conflict without fear of annihilation.
Where you’re not punished for being human.
Where repair is possible.
Where love is spacious enough for your whole self — not just the palatable parts.
Because real intimacy isn’t born in perfection.
It’s born in rupture… and what comes after.
With love,
V
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This is so insightful. I am currently writing and considering Inclusivity in Relationships and as you write it’s not about avoiding the differences- conflict can be very important - but it’s how we work through that conflict. I would love to include some of your advice in an article- please reach out if you are interested.