Crumbling.

Learning to receive more deeply

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I took the last two weeks off from needing to think about posting on Substack or social media in general. It felt good.

Slowly re-emerging, I feel something shifting beneath the surface.

Another death and rebirth.

Somehow things are always shifting beneath the surface—we’re never really stagnant.

I had an expectation coming back from this little break that I’d be fully refreshed and ready to go. But I’m not (lol at my ego). A part of me feels heavy and stagnant.

My old self slowly crumbling into the abyss.

Autumn has found its way to London which means its the season of letting go.

I’m ready to let go of some things.

Other things I’m struggling to let go of.

I went for a walk in the park the other day and noticed how the trees were letting go of their leaves effortlessly. Letting the wind carry them to their new home on the ground, gently kissing the grass.

Nature does her beautiful dance so gracefully.

She is a great teacher all year long.

I’m struggling to get back into the groove of life. I feel this veil energetically covering me whilst I am in a cocoon of transformation. I can feel I’m on the precipice of some change but I can’t make sense of any of it and my ego really wants to. I want to know why, how, when, what, where. All of it now. An impatience with life.

During my reflections the last few weeks, I’ve been sitting with anger and shame from various chapters of life.

“It’s an opportunity to be more compassionate with myself and be gentle”, I tell myself, whilst feeling annoyed that I find it hard to actually feel that.

A few stories I’m witnessing about myself:

1. I struggle with letting people really in and take care of me. I want to do everything all the time and feel like I need to have it altogether so I don’t need to rely on anyone. I like to be the one taking care of others. It’s been my role to fix things and always be alert to others needs. The story I tell myself is: if I rely on someone they could hurt me. Is this still true? No. It’s a story I’m learning to let melt away. I’d like to soften and receive more. To allow people to come into my world and hold space for me. It’s ok not to be the one holding all the time and instead, be held.

2. It's natural for me to turn everything into a teaching moment and to share wisdom, but sometimes that is not required. Sometimes it serves as a coping mechanism to be seen as valuable and helpful and worthy of praise. Who am I when I’m not teaching? I just am. Is it enough to be just me? I’d like to think so. But I find it difficult to land with the idea of just being. I feel a fight with being during times of transformation. Maybe eventually I can move from fighting it to dancing with it. And then to simply being with it. It’s easy to gravitate towards distractions to avoid feeling the pain that is coming to the surface to be fully felt and alchemised. Food, alcohol, sex, and tv are the alluring shiny objects waiting to give me the dopamine hit my ego craves. During times of transformation when I am most vulnerable, it’s important for me to watch for my shadow so it doesn’t fully consume me. An ongoing battle at the gates of heaven and hell inside of me.

3. I don’t like asking for help. It’s better that I know all the answers so I hold all the power. If I hold all the power I don’t have to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt. Asking for help means I am putting someone in an authoritative position above me and they could take my needs away. I am giving them power over me by allowing them to see my weakness and they could hurt me. It’s better that I get on with it on my own and not rely on anyone. Is this story still true? No. But I recognise it served a younger part of me. I am consciously letting this story go so I can receive more effortlessly.

I spoke to my partner

Hannah Wallace

and shared how I’ve been feeling. It took courage to show my vulnerable side. Like I said, it’s natural for me to want to have it all figured out. Like I’m crushing through life and dealing with shit well. I don’t deal with shit well all the time. Sometimes I crumble and breakdown. It’s human.

I can trust her to hold me in times of vulnerability. It’s her ability to hold me and believe in me even when I struggle to believe in myself and want to quit, that keeps me going. A refill of my oxygen tank for the next stretch of the journey. Simply speaking my feelings aloud to her (knowing she’s holding a safe space), helps clear the energy from my system so I can feel a little more balanced again.

Love,

V

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