Mask-ulinity

Some reflections.

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Song I recently discovered:

Mask-ulinity

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation” - Henry David Thoreau

In today's world, role models for healthy masculinity are few and far between. There are books like The Way of the Superior Man and King, Warrior, Magician, Lover that offer wisdom (which I recommend), but I feel the real learning happens when you witness someone embodying those principles in real life.

How many live with integrity, authenticity, compassion, and empathy?

How many have a commitment to honour their soul’s calling, follow their intuition, and set healthy boundaries along the way?

How many explore life beyond the ceilings they’ve been taught to believe in?

How many are committed to deeply reflecting on themselves and becoming their best version for themselves and their partner?

Recently, a young man in his early 20s came to me for a coaching session.

Sometimes the guidance you need can’t come from family. As much as they may love you, their advice is often shaped by their own conditioning and biases. Consciously or subconsciously, we often only share with them what we know they’ll accept or are ready to hear. That's why seeking an outside perspective is key—someone who sees you as you are, not as you’re expected to be.

The Myth of the "Perfect Masculine"

The title Mask-ulinity isn’t a typo—it’s intentional. Too often, masculinity is mistaken for confidence, assertiveness, and dominance. But true masculinity isn’t about masking insecurities behind bravado. It’s about leaning into them with curiosity and vulnerability. It's about remaining humble, acknowledging that we’re all human, and living from a place of mutual respect for ourselves and others. Embracing authenticity. Showing up as you are, not hiding behind masks you’ve formed as coping mechanisms to control your world.

There’s no shortage of content out there from “men” who present a narrow, often toxic, view of masculinity.

If you’re feeling insecure, it’s easy to be drawn in. I was.

A muscular physique and confident demeanor can make anyone seem like an authority on what it means to be a man.

Don’t let looks deceive you.

The loudest voice isn’t always right.

Having the “perfect body” (there is no perfect body its about how you feel not how you look), or a large amount of followers, doesn’t mean there is substance to their words. They are empty calories that don’t nourish your soul and will leave you feeling hungry.

The young man told me the guys he was watching on YouTube were preaching a message that went something like this:

It doesn’t mean much when a man sleeps around but when a woman does you should be weary. That isn’t the type of woman you want to get serious with and marry. What does it say about her when she’s a keyhole that can be unlocked by any key?

It was scary how much he seemed to believe this.

I’m sure he’s not the only one.

I wonder how many other young people are out there being influenced by these sort of skewed messages.

What they’re essentially saying is is:

It’s ok for men to sleep around without anyone raising an eyebrow, but it's not ok for a woman to explore her sexuality and to decide what she wants to do with her body.

They’re implying she doesn’t have any value if she’s slept around (or that its diminished).

This mindset, rooted in patriarchal ideals, creates a harmful double standard. Men are allowed to explore their sexuality freely, but women are judged for doing the same.

But think about it—most of us will meet someone who has a past with other people, just as we do. Who are we to judge the choices of their past? We all make decisions based on who we are and what we feel is right at that moment. It’s all part of our story. We’re all just trying to figure things out.

The young man was seeing a new girl and he was asking about her past relationships. He was struggling to embrace that she’d been with other people and had chosen to go “all the way” with them. He noticed she was hesitating in her answers.

She hesitated because she could feel the incoming judgment.

“It’s fine to ask about her past, but what's your intention?” I told him.

“Are you judging whether she meets your standards, or are you genuinely curious, eager to know the stories in her soul? The latter comes from a place of love, the former from fear and judgment—and trust me, she'll feel the difference in your energy.”

It was interesting to me he struggled to say the word sex or describe any sexual activity. It’s a reflection of how taboo it is in his mind.

We all come from sex.

Sex is a natural desire, but we’ve been taught to associate it with shame.

The Real Connection

I feel the real win in a relationship isn’t when a woman opens her legs—it’s when she opens her heart. Her heart is the most precious thing she can offer, and when she shares her dreams, fears, joys, and vulnerabilities with you, that’s when real connection can begin.

There’s a softening that takes place when a woman feels truly safe with a man. Some men, especially in more traditional or religious communities, believe a woman’s worth is in part tied to her sexual history. They think they should be the first to take her virginity as a symbol of purity. But that mindset is outdated and deeply rooted in patriarchal control. Women have the autonomy to explore their sexuality if and when they want to.

Another woman came to seek my perspective. She said the man she was seeing was deeply religious and had issues with self-control. He would meet up with her, intending to keep things PG, but after seeing her he’d feel the urge to make out and have sex. He’d then feel guilty and emotionally pull away, wanting to repent for the sin. By doing this, he was knowingly or unknowingly controlling the dynamic between them. She was patient. They really had great conversations and wanted to give this a chance. But continually being compassionate, led her to abandon her own needs. This self-betrayal left her stuck in a situation where her needs for emotional availability and commitment weren’t being met.

It’s a common pattern—when a man feels shame or conflict about his desires, he often unconsciously uses control or distance as a coping mechanism. But that doesn’t build trust or connection. True intimacy comes when both of you can vulnerably communicate.

If you’re both clear about not wanting an emotional commitment but choose to engage in a consensual physical relationship, there’s no guilt to be had. As long as you’re both honest about your intentions, there’s no leading anyone on.

Relationships, whether casual or committed, should always be rooted in respect, honesty, and mutual understanding.

Mummy & Daddy’s Approval

I believe we have two umbilical cords to cut.

The first is physical, severed at birth.

The second is energetic—a much more subtle but powerful bond.

Many of us remain energetically tied to our parents, influenced by their conditioning. As I mentioned in a previous post, The Goal of Doing The Work, it’s natural to seek approval from our parents and to feel disappointed when we don’t receive it. But that absence of approval should never stop us from honoring our truth.

This young man worried about how his mother would perceive his choice of partner. He had formed an ideal of how he wanted things to play out, based on what he believed was acceptable to her. But what is acceptable to her isn’t necessarily what is true for him. That truth has to be discovered by suspending any fixed ideas about love.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about love on my journey, it’s this:

Love doesn’t care about your ideas of “right” and “wrong.” Your person might be hidden in the very opposite of the image you’ve created in your mind.

That image may not be acceptable to others. But that doesn't matter as long as you’re both happy. Because when all is said and done, the two of you will be the ones living your lives behind closed doors with no-one else in sight.

Redefining

I don’t have all the answers, but something I’ve learned along my journey as a man is you don’t become the man you are meant to be all in one day.

There are many situations I’ve faced that have invited me to challenge my own limited beliefs about what it truly means to live. About the type of man I want to be.

If you have the courage to question your conditioning, try your best to live from your heart, and show up as authentically as possible, you’re winning.

Call To Action

For the women reading this, if you feel your partner is struggling in some way—whether it’s lack of purpose, emotional availability, or conflicting ideas of masculinity—encourage him to reach out. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to challenge these patterns and help create change.

For the men reading this—if you’ve found yourself grappling with the pressures of what it means to be a man, the shame of desires you’ve been taught to suppress, or the pull between your head and heart—let’s dive deeper. You don’t have to do it alone.

Love,

V

If you want to learn more about working privately with me 1-1 then have a read of this page and if you have any questions you can DM me.